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Maureen & Guides posted a blog entry in Life As We Know ItI haven't written a blog for a long time. I decided rather than writing a blog because I 'should' (timing wise), that I would only write a blog when I was 'inspired'. Consider me inspired today. The last time I wrote a blog, it was about my stubborn need to gain a lot of weight in order to gain a respect for my body. I thought I had learned all 'my lessons' when it came to my weight gain. However, my lessons were far from over. It's a funny thing to all of a sudden be able to play out your life with a different lens - almost like you get to wear a mask or costume that is different than who you really are, and then play out your life again and see how people treat you NOW. You are the same on the inside, but not on the outside. How much does this change your experience?Tremendously! And though it has been really interesting to experience the world reacting to 'the bigger me' in a different way - whether it be family, friends, colleagues in the spiritual world, clients, or MEN - yes, I happen to be single as of this moment - the 'lesson' that has come forth time and time again is LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITiONALLY. Not only has my learning been about respecting my body and what I put in it, but it's also been to realize that if you rely on any outside sources to mirror to you whether you are deemed acceptable or not, you are bound for low self-esteem to never have its chance to be cured. Relying on the 'external mirror' as SAM calls it, keeps you constantly at the mercy of others. And to be at the mercy of others for who you are, is a ridiculous way to live your life. It's a known fact - not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to understand you. In fact, some people may hate you, whether they are justified to have those feelings or not. The one person who will never fail you, who is always there for you, who should always be accepting of you, is YOU. We all know this in theory, right???? AND YET, we live in a society where we are constantly programmed to put more energy and attention towards what others think of us, than what we think of ourselves. We present ourselves based on how we believe we SHOULD be presenting ourselves. After all, if there are so many opinions about how a person should look or behave throughout society, the masses must be right, correct? The only person who can really know who you are, is you. Do you feel you have an intimate enough relationship with yourself to know who you really are, without your image being influenced by others? Being single with this weight gain has probably been the best resource I have had with which to learn my lessons on detaching myself from the external mirror. I have discovered that there are some men who really love bigger/overweight/curvy/pick your word women. In fact, they CHOOSE those women over fit women. Who knew??!! And of course, there are other men who prefer women who are fit/slim/model-like/pick your word. Well, when you are online dating, all men have access to you and your pictures - the men who think you are disgusting, lazy and fat, and the men who are attracted to you and treating you like a goddess. I have had a few men in the last couple of years who I went on a few dates with, break up with me because I wasn't their 'body type'. This I expected. What I did not expect, was to have the opposite experience. I was lucky enough to date a man for a few months who was absolutely in love with my overweight, BBW body. He worshipped my body, every last flabby inch of it. He called me a goddess. All of the mind programming I had growing up about what was attractive and acceptable, was blown away by this one simple expression of truth by this man. In fact, he admitted he would be less attracted to me if I LOST weight. Are you kidding me? Now that's a new one. And that was the point. In that moment, the epiphany hit - if I rely on what others think about my body in order to feel good about myself (men being the external mirror in this case), I'll never be happy. I could feel safe as 'the goddess' only to lose some weight by choosing healthier foods and then become 'too thin' for my suitor's liking. I could lose the weight now, attract a man who likes 'curvy but not fat' girls, only to have him be less attracted when over a year I gain a few of the pounds back. I never thought that I was seeking out a healing agent for my self-esteem through the acceptance of others, but I was. Sure, I know all of the talk - "Love yourself! Embrace your inner goddess! Be you! Who cares what others think about you!" I knew that this was the way to an unshakable self-esteem. When I was curvy but thinner, I thought I had unshakable self-esteem and that I had built it within myself. I was kidding myself. I had found self-esteem because I was more accepted by others when I was thinner. Which meant, my self-esteem was riding on other people's opinions as the external mirror all along. When I gained all the weight, and had different reactions from everyone, I began to realize how embarrassed I felt to be at this higher weight. Why would SAM suggest that being this weight could teach me so much? 'Being fat' was damaging my self-esteem wasn't it? Then the epiphany. What self-esteem? My self-esteem had been built on sand. Sand that could be built up or blown away easily in the wind based on who was judging me in the moment. So NOW I see why SAM said it could teach me so much. Treating my body with more respect and dealing with my sugar addiction wasn't the whole battle, it is only a slice of the huge pie. I now, as this 'fatter, less acceptable being', have the opportunity to discover myself as I am now, and love myself, regardless of what others think of me. NOW I can actually learn what it means to not care about what others think. To explore fully in reality that 'you will never please everyone all of the time', was an important path for me to walk these last few years, especially while being single. To realize that for some men, if I got to a healthier weight, they would find me unattractive, was MIND BLOWING, considering what societal mirroring teaches us. So if I lose the external mirror, I am left with me, myself and I. Me, myself and I are a work in progress. Sometimes I look at my overweight body and see its beauty and curves. Other days I see it and loathe that I am not my skinnier self. I have discovered that I am neither one of those images in my mind. The 'true me', the weight that I would easily be able to keep stable because my lifestyle changes would be consistent, is yet to be born. I don't know what weight I am going to end up being. I know it is less than 285 lbs and I have already lost 10 pounds simply by avoiding wheat. I know that as I continue to make other diet/food allergy changes (sugar replacements, gluten replacements, no corn, no dairy) that more weight will fall off. I need to make these changes for my health, not vanity. But I am not rushing it. The mistake I made last time was becoming paranoid about food - 'good food' and 'bad food'. No 'bad food' came near my mouth for two years. This time, I need to choose to go gluten-free because I know for me, it helps me be more clear-headed and less tired. I need to make the changes to improve my inner health, not for attempts at outer acceptance. The journey is taking way longer for me to get there than I thought. I resist going fully gluten/sugar/corn/dairy-free 24/7, 365 days a year because it still makes life difficult when I am cooking family meals, eating with others, and when I am dating. Ever try going on a first date with someone who watches you in horror as you order your 'gluten-free, sugar-free, corn-free, dairy-free food? When Harry Met Sally - her order right before the 'fake orgasm' scene Waitress: Hi, what can I get ya? Harry: I'll have a number three. Sally: I'd like the chef salad please with the oil and vinegar on the side and the apple pie a la mode. Waitress: Chef and apple a la mode. Sally: But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top I want it on the side and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it if not then no ice cream just whipped cream but only if it's real if it's out of a can then nothing. Waitress: Not even the pie? Sally: No, just the pie, but then not heated. Waitress: Uh huh. I still am transmuting all of the rigid beliefs I have about 'being healthy' from my days when I was 145 lbs. I know my 'true me' isn't that girl either. And the biggest realization? That's okay. It's okay that I am still learning lessons to do with my weight - my weight has been my Achilles heel since my teens. It's okay that I am still not willing to change my diet to honor all of my food allergies/intolerances 24/7, 365 days. Every day that I substitute a food I can tolerate that is healthy, and let go of the offending food that made my body tired, itchy, blotchy, bloaty...I am one step closer to success. It's okay that I am a practitioner who helps other deal with their issues, and yet I still struggle with 'an issue' so much myself. It's okay, because I am human. And in this human game, we are here to learn. And learn I am doing. I will learn what my true food and exercise lifestyle is, learn how to live it every day without feeling like I am on a 'diet' or giving up anything, and slowly but surely, I will discover the True Me. One step at a time. Here's to the journey, and all the negative beliefs that will be left behind. Until next time, Maureen copyright Source Within 2016. All Rights Reserved.
"By losing energy, flexibility, and mobility, I now have gratitude for health." Hello, my name is Maureen Becker and I am a sugar addict. As a result of my little experiment with SAM over the last 2 years (to eat whatever I crave and want, whenever I want), I have gained one hundred pounds over the last two years. What kind of spirit guide would let their host gain one hundred pounds, only to be considered 'morbidly obese' by any doctor? A smart guide. A brilliant one, actually. I have struggled with my addiction to sugar and carbs all of my life (I'm 43). I snuck oreo cookies even when it was discovered that I was allergic to chocolate as as child. This didn't stop me - those oreos would be in my mouth, and the proof would be imminent - a rash around my mouth after the fact. But to me, even getting caught with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar was worth it. I'm not sure where my addiction to sugar started from, but I sure know what it feels like to be under its control. There have been times in my life where my whole world and focus was on what my diet was - was I cheating and eating sugar/carbs, or was I staying clean and avoiding all the foods that I know bother me? There's a long list: sugar, wheat/gluten, corn, dairy...those are the main ones. I tried natural diets avoiding those foods - the longest I lasted was two years. I dropped weight like crazy once I avoided all my trigger foods (allergy and intolerance for digestion) however it made my life miserable in going to restaurants, over to other people's house for dinner, etc. I was 'the one that couldn't eat anything'. As a result of this 'clean' diet, I was the lowest weight I've ever been as an adult - 145 pounds. This is me, more than a decade ago, at 145 pounds Finally, after losing some relationships, gaining pressure on my marriage because my husband (now my ex) was frustrated with my rigid diet (I became almost a hypochondriac regarding what a 'bad' food would do to me if I ate it), I started to cheat. I no longer tried to be so clean, ate some of my trigger foods, and as a result, started gaining weight. At this point, I kept it from getting out of control by doing exercise six days a week. I kept up this regime for many years. Eating somewhat 'clean' with lots of exercise I felt that I had slayed the dragon. I could eat restaurant food, go to people's houses for dinner, be able to go through a drive-thru, and yet still eat healthy most of the time. AHA! I have overridden the sugar beast! I have won the war! Or so I thought. Until a few years ago, I got into a car accident serious enough to give me whiplash in both my neck and lower back, which forced my six-days-a-week exercise to go down to non-existent exercise. I was still eating the same foods as I did when I did exercise, and in fact was craving more sugar-laden foods because I was no longer getting my 'endorphin high' from my daily exercise. The weight started to add on. the beginning of 'eat whatever you want' It was then that I realized that I hadn't resolved my addiction to sugar at all. I was keeping it at bay with exercise, but I hadn't slain any beast. It was still there, lurking. Waiting for its chance to strike. SAM offered me a different perspective at that point, a fork in the road as it were. They explained that my Soul had a few lessons to learn about addiction, trying to keep my appearance 'socially acceptable', caring about what others think, finding my own inner beauty when my outer beauty was questionable in my/society's eyes, to name a few. They suggested that I didn't panic about my weight gain, but 'give in to it'. They asked me to consider finally slaying the Sugar Beast, but through a completely unorthodox process. "Let yourself eat", they said. "Let yourself gain. Fully give in to your cravings. For the first time in your life, allow yourself to eat all of the chocolate and sugar and junk food you want. You need to find internal reasons to be healthy, not external reasons (such as what is considered beautiful or others' expectations of how you should look.). You need to find your own reasons for eating healthier. And ironically the only way you are going to learn this, is by becoming unhealthy until you CHOOSE HEALTH." Gain weight by choice? Were they f*cking kidding? Why the hell would I do that? However the more I was in angst over the fact that I couldn't exercise and my sugar cravings were increasing, the more I realized I was fighting a fight that felt fairly impossible to override at that time. I wanted to be free of my addiction to sugar. They ensured me that if I let myself get fat, found my 'inner beauty' and lost my power battle with food, sooner or later, I would find a new Essence-led weight that was best for my body type, and for my Soul's learning. Unfortunately, it seems I am quite a stubborn Soul. I had to gain one hundred pounds, overeating for a few years, needing to really experience what it is like to live with that extra weight as a lifestyle, to understand the true lesson SAM was trying to get me to understand. current weight 285 pounds!!!!!!! All of a sudden, I was eating chocolate every day. Going through McDonald's drive-thru (I used to curse McDonald's drive thru years ago when I was clean. I had so much food dogma, everything was either 'bad or good'. There was no in between). Now I was one of the drive-thru mamas, grabbing a meal on the go while driving my children to their dance and gymnastic classes, rather than taking the time out to plan meals and use my crockpot. Crockpot? Damn the crockpot! I didn't NEED to do that anymore. I was free. I could eat whatever I wanted!!! I began to realize how much power I had given to food, all of my life. I could not look at food as just fuel. It was way more powerful than that. It controlled me. It controlled my thoughts. I was obsessed, and an emotional overeater. However all of a sudden, this Spring, I noticed a change within my psyche. By eating the 'naughty' foods that I would never have allowed myself to eat before without guilt, they simply became food. They lost their power over me. The naughty foods were simply food that tasted really good, but were unhealthy as a daily choice. I was learning firsthand the results of 'eating whatever I wanted'. Moving around in a body one hundred pounds heavier was not comfortable, IS not comfortable (I'm still 100 pounds heavier as I write this today). Bending down before was one graceful movement. Now, I hesitate to bend down, for fear I won't have the flexibility to actually reach the floor with my big gut in the way. (Note to self - achieving a healthy weight is not to please others or be 'sexy', it is so you can bend down and pick up things without being out of breath. Who knew?) All of a sudden, going to the movies (one of my favorite things to do) was a self-esteem test, as I had to wiggle my ass out of the movie seat creatively rather than stand up without my butt and hips scratching against the side arms as I rose. Yep, that's my big fat ass. If I had to climb out of a window right now in an emergency situation, this would be my predicament. Sigh. Too many chocolate bars... I have gained a lot of weight to gain the Truth - I never appreciated my health when I had it. Not one bit. I took for granted that I could move around with ease, have flexibility, have strength, breathe well, do exercise without trouble, etc. Never for one minute did I consider any of those situations to be a gift, a choice, or something that could be taken away. It just was. Now that I am out of breath easily, now that my hips squeeze tightly into chairs, now that going for a 5-10 km walk (which was my norm) seems impossible, NOW I appreciate the concept of health. I always told myself that if I could eat anything I wanted, I would be happy. I needed to realize that this was a lie my Inner Sugar Addict was telling myself. Oh I was happy as I ate the chocolate bar. However I was not happy as I waddled, doing my errands feeling my inner thighs rub together. Yet I still ate. And ate. And justified every bite to myself - "I can eat whatever I want!!" I have needed to eat those 'offending foods', the foods that I labelled as 'bad, untouchable' for two years in order to feel like I got my fill. I had given food so much power, that it took me that long to rebel before now a chocolate bar is just that - a choice. A choice that tastes good but makes me feel so fat and tired that it robs me of health and energy. I told myself I was free by being able to eat what I wanted. However that was another lie my Inner Sugar Addict wanted me to believe. I am now entrenched in fat, having to lose a lot of weight to get back to a healthy weight. That is quite a task, one that I am just beginning the journey of. However, I will lose weight now with a completely different consciousness. This isn't about going on a diet. This isn't about aiming for a certain weight either. This is about choosing health. I now see what SAM meant. I was never choosing health before when I exercised. I exercised so that when I was single I would be attractive to men. I ate healthy food as a woman following society's rules. I wasn't eating healthily and exercising to achieve health and well-being. I was doing so to be socially acceptable, to please others, to stay 'sexy' - all of the reasons why many of us stay at a certain weight and drive to the gym first thing in the morning. It is expected of us, if we wish to stand in the grocery store line without feeling shame as we see the myriad of magazines with slogans of "Lose 10 pounds in 5 days!" and "Get great abs to spice up your sex life!!" NOW, I want to discover a weight where I can be healthy and happy. To eat food with a neutral consciousness, to be healthy enough to move and exercise my body, and to have energy to enjoy life. No bad or good foods. Just food, that I choose, on a daily basis, based on my intuition of what my body needs. No rebellion. No starving myself or overeating. Just eating the right fuel for my body. Every pound gained has been worth it. I look different, that is to be sure, but I also have a different perspective now. I have my internal reasons for wanting to be healthy for the first time in my life. By losing energy, flexibility and mobility, I now have gratitude for health. You may think this was foolish, or unnecessary. However for me, now I can finally anchor into the feeling of what it means to 'treat my body as a vessel'. I could intellectually grasp that phrase before, but I could never live it. I now understand that if I don't take care of my vessel, it won't take care of me. And if I can eat whatever I want but I am so unhealthy that I can't live life to the fullest, how is that freedom? I choose health now, because living without it, is not an enjoyable life. Eating chocolate with freedom does not trump being healthy in my vessel. I choose health because that is my right as a human being playing this game. And to live my life by choice without it? Well, that finally feels like a ridiculous concept. Sugar Addict be gone. You've got nothing on me now that I know and feel the Truth. The jig is up. Time to pull out and be grateful for my crock-pot, and to start moving my body with joy, because I can. Time to be grateful for all of the health I have at this moment, and have gratitude for all of the health I can achieve by choosing it, every day. Seems easy enough to me. And so the journey of self-love begins. Maureen copyright Source Within 2015. All rights reserved. Pass it on!! Did this inspire you, make you chuckle, or challenge you thinking? Want to influence someone else's day? Forward this to a friend so that they too can follow this blog. It's as simple as joining our free membership to join the Source Within community (interaction with the Guides, forum, free monthly podcast, and Maureen & Guides' blog!). Click here for your free membership!